Don't Test Me

Taking standardized tests is boring, and seemed pointless to me as a student. By the time I got to high school, I was over it. I felt like I was forced to take these tests yet saw no kind of results from them. My school didn't get more money, I didn't get anything for doing well (or poorly), and I felt the data was used to track. Specifically, I felt the data was used to track students by race. I didn't want to be anyone's statistic. My teachers, my mother, and I all knew that I was at or above grade level. My grades were solid and I performed well in school. Why did I have to sit and stare at these booklets and bubbles for hours during these testing weeks. If it wasn't the STAR Test, it was the CTBS Test. If not that test, it was the CAT6, and then the SAT9. Before the STAR tests, we had the CAP, then I had to take whatever my district chose in the gap between CAP and STAR. Sounds ridiculous, right? I'm not making (any of) these up, and there are probably a few others that I forgot/repressed. Hours I spent, year after year, taking all of these tests. I dreaded them, and all the bells and whistles in the world couldn't mask them. Those dates were always marked on school calendars and we got reminders of how important it was not to be absent on those special days. I grew up in California schools, at a time, not unlike today, when the state education system was not something to be proud of. All these damn tests, and California's public schools ranked 47th in the nation. All these tests, and the dropout rate was above 40% (in the 90's). These tests didn't seem to be getting the state anywhere. 

I was told that these tests were important because if your school did well then more money would be given in the future from the government. I went to a lot of different schools as a child. I changed schools exactly once a year between kindergarten and 7th grade, and attended two different high schools- so if anyone could do a comparison, it was me. I went to school on the west side, the east side, and the south side. Predominantly White schools, Latino schools, schools with large Asian populations, and schools with a decent number of Black students. It was CLEAR that the White schools had more money (surprised?). In 7th grade I had my mom change me from one school back to my previous school because I felt like I wasn't learning anything. How come my teachers were teaching me stuff that I did in 5th grade at more affluent schools? How come my school with all of the brown students was so....bad?

From 7th grade on, I began to take much more responsibility when it came to my schooling. I paid attention to the fine print, thought critically, and asked a lot of questions. I went to a high school with a uniform policy. One day, while reading our school issued planner, I read, in very fine print that under certain circumstances, students would not have to wear a uniform. What were those circumstance? Your parent coming to the school and saying that they didn't want that for you. If you were a "model student" and had good grades, they'd grant you a waiver. Guess who had a waiver the next year? I was one of fewer than 20 students who had a waiver in a school of 2,200. 

As we prepared for end of the year standardized tests (not to be confused with beginning and middle of the year editions), one of my teachers was talking to us about the test and why it was so important. If you were absent you had to do makeup tests, so come to school. I asked "what if you don't want to take the test," my teacher responded that if your parent wrote a letter to the school asking that you be exempt from testing then you wouldn't have to take it. But in all of her years of teaching, no parent had ever wanted that. I went home, and asked my mom to write a letter to the principal because the tests were boring, stressful, and used to track students. I imagined adults in some meeting talking about how the African American students did compared to the White students, and how kids over here did worse than kids over there. I made the connected that ultimately, this resulted in schools getting different amounts of money. I surmised that this was how students got put into various classes. These tests determined who was gifted, who was remedial, and who should apply for Job Corps so that they could learn a trade. How come I had to fight the head academic counselor in order to get into honors English? And when she did enroll me in the class, it was on a "let's see how long this lasts" basis? All these things just didn't sit well with me. 

Yes, the tests bored me to tears and frustrated me. I did simply want a "lesser evil." I also wanted answers to my questions, I was too weary of these various tests, which I never heard much about after I took them. I staged a quiet revolution. A revolution of one- that ended up angering quite a few teachers and administrators. In high school, teachers were upset because they had to develop work for me to do while everyone else was testing. They had to find a place for me to go and do my work. They didn't understand why someone as smart as me didn't want to take the test, because I'd do well. I chose not to explain myself or pose my many questions to them (because I knew they didn't have the answers), I just said "because I don't want to, and my mom doesn't feel I should have to." 

If those tests are abominable to take, they are almost as awful to administer- I'd know, I used to be a teacher.

cleanliness is next to godliness, but timeliness is not

Currently How to Win Friends & Influence People By Dale Carnegie see related

journaling for real

     so yesterday i bought a real journal for myself.  online, i wouldnt keep all of my innermost thoughts and feelings. the "regular"me with common sense wouldnt write them down on paper either but journaling is theraputic and can stimulate self help and growth.  im still going to keep my online journal but id really like to begin journaling every day. i finished teaching the 6th graders at middleton elementary and my lil cousin is coming to visit on tuesday (very excited about that) her 21st bday was this past wednesday.

       last nite i went to el torito with rob alicia chrystal dana and erica, then we went bowling and that was a lotta fun.  today im up early to go to staples who is having a sale for teachers, then im off to run at the beach, rob and dana may join me, then im off to dance class where chrystal will join and dana may also.  im not sure what im gonna do with the rest of the day. i might make brunch at my apt.  i cooked 3 times last week! im not committed to spending less money at restaraunts and more time cooking.  i can cook, i just always chose not to.  so, i bought a cookbook yesterday and it's boutta be on and poppin.

    time to get ready to go, ill holla!

When I'm Sorry Comes Too Late

When Sorry Comes Too Late

The invitation was received

Regrettably, it was thrown out after too much contemplation

Reflection can be your friend; it can also be the uglier side of a strengthening process

I do love you, still

Can I tell you that, at least?

I have realized something about love that I had not realized yet

I heard it sang once that love is not a game that you play to keep the winning hand with you

That is exactly how I played, and you caught on and put me on blast

The truth hurts, maybe more so when you’re trying your hardest to deny it daily

I fucked up

A year later, I am realizing what that really means

I’m sorry can come too late

Because even if I called you right now

I am afraid that I’m sorry would not be enough

Whoever said that it’s never too late to say I’m sorry

They’ve never been in my shoes

Once before this predicament presented itself to me

I guess this will become my life’s regret number two

I wish I had done things differently

You said that next time I wanted to communicate with you

To call you and not shy away from the impending confrontation

Did you really really mean that?

I guess I deserve it, one of the things that I fear most

Facing how I truly feel about you

About us

About me

Damn

Can you please excuse my I’m Sorry

For being so late

Finally, the maturity of my mind is catching up with my heart

There comes a time when I’m sorry is laughable, even absurd

At this point, what is more pitiful,

The fact that almost 365 days have passed since I last hurt you

Or the fact that it still preoccupies my thoughts sans a resolution

Why don’t I just leave it alone?

I’m sure that you have found a way to move on

Why is it so difficult for me to let you go?

Love, goddam you

Even this delayed

I have to say, more for my benefit than yours

Yes, I still have that selfish streak

Although it is now too overdue

I am sorry, deeply and honestly, I am sorry

Blame it on my youth

That I am sorry will never arrive, because it is too late

-REJ 7/17/06

Hey Look! It's July 17th again

  I was reminded that I posted an entry this day last year, so in order to commemorate, I'll post one today as well.  What a crazy year, I'd like to write a book solely off of the events of this year, I think it'd be a best seller.  Most of it would be about hangin out with my friends, we say and do some of the craziest things.  Anyway the school year is over as of about a month ago.  One year down, one to go.  The end of the school year was a busy time because there's a lot u gotta do as a teacher to get ready for the next year.  I had a great year with my students, I'm looking forward to having an even better year starting in September. 

   On to more important things.  Jesse came to visit the other week ago, we had a blast.  It was good to see him again and hang out, it was also very nice to have someone from home who has known me for more than one year. I always enjoy spending time with him, he makes me laugh and we have interesting coversations.  Chrystal and I have been hangin out a lot since Alicia is gone and Dana is working.  We've gone to have lunch with her twice.  We went to the W on Friday. It was underwhelming but the atmosphere was nice.  There are so many good looking people in LA its ridiculous.  There are also a lot of rich people here, what do they all do for work? Can I get just one hook up.  All u gotta do is know somebody who knows somebody. 

   I've seen a lot of celebrities lately.  I was Amerie and Megan Goode at Roscoe's Chicek and Waffles on Sunset.  Then me and Chrystal saw Paris Hilton and Jake Gyllenhaall at Fred Segal on Melrose.  We also saw this NBA star at Roscoe's but I forgot his name.  5 celebrities in one week, definitely more than I had seen in the entire year lol. 

  My aunt had a stroke yesterday and as a result can no longer walk on her own, even with a walker which is how she was walking before.  My mom called me this morning and told me.  My family is goin through a lot of changes right now.  My sister will likely be moving away to college very  soon, my aunt is going to move to Fresno with my other aunt so that she can take care of her.  My mom is going to sell the townhouse and move into an apartment.  I'll probably go to the Bay sometime soon to help out with everything and see how my aunt is doing.  She won't be going home from the hospital, she'll be going to physical therapy and then living in assited living until the move to Fresno.   I gotta go see my grandmother when I go home too, I feel triflin for not having done that in May. 

    I'm lookin for an apartment, lookin to move out of the Junles of LA and probably to Hawthorne, I've seen some OK places there.  Rick got an apartment there and it's pretty nice and affordable.  I went looking at places today.  LOL I learned that just because an apartment is in "Hollywood" does not mean it will be nice.  Hollywood is a large area, and not all of it is bourgiose (sp) I saw a place today that did not impress me in the least.  Hopefully I'll strike gold soon. 

   I plan on starting my planning for next year sometime soon.  It's cool because I've taught all of this before at this point, so I can do a better job this time of tracking what my students know and things like that.  I wanna really make some gains this year, but that takes a lot of work and forethought.  Que mas, que mas?  I probably have so much more that I could write but it's all slipping away from me now. 

  I went running on the beach on Saturday morning.  That was nice, the people at the beach were so plesant, saying good morning and things like that.  My legs are VERY sore, which is kinda surprising since I do work out.  I've heard that beach running is great because of the resistance that the sand creates and that it is a good workout for your legs, but goddam.  I think I'll do some research into it.  I need a good massage right about now.

  Hey! I made dinner last nite!  Nothin major, just chicken tacos, refried beans, and corn.  I hardly ever cook for myself though.  Today I had a Slurpee from 7-11 and it was tha bizzness.  Man it was so on point, it was very hot today and the store was located convieniently on my way to the freeway which I passed by because of traffic.  It pays to know alternate routes in LA.  I need to buy some more shorts and a pair of tennis shoes.  It's official, I do have a slight shopping addiction lol.  I also love getting my haircut, what do you love? I recently picked up some LRG shorts and a Five-Four Tshirt, as well as a pair of jeans from The Gap that I am really feelin. 

  I started taking hip-hop dance classes at Edge in Hollywood, it's my Saturday workout plan.  The classes are difficult because I tend to pick things up slowly as far as choreography goes (go figure, that's probably why I create my own choreography) but me and Chrystal have fun.  I'm glad I am finally doing that, dancing is something that I love and want to stay connected to, and previous to now I'd never taken classes before.  I hope to be that much better next year when working with the kids at my school. 

    Remember that one time I saw Rob like 3 weekends in a row or something.  Phenomenal, he's a cool guy to hang with but we don't always connect as much as we used to back in the day.  Partied with some of the new Corps Members a few weeks ago at this house party in Playa del Rey.  It was fun times.  also Jashawnai hooked it up by gettin us on the list to attend Ne-Yo's "So Sick" BET Award Nomination Party.  That was stoopid fun.  The DJ played all of these Yay Area Slaps and we saw Tech from MTV, the lil brother from Moesha (dont know his name), the Latino guy from New York Undercover, and of course Ne-Yo.  Bobby Valentino was there too.  They served chicken wings, fried catfish and desserts.  Ne-Yo apparently knows how to keep things soulful lol.  We also went to some BET Awards Afterparty but that didnt end up being THAT much fun.  We left before the performances started cuz it was kinda wack and too packed up in there. 

   We  may hit up the JP Morgan Chase Open again this year, and another Dodgers game, make it a tradition for the summer.  Me and my friends do a lot of cool things, I love kickin it with them.  We went hiking at Griffith Park, went to some beachfest in Hermosa Beach, spent the 4th of July in Hermosa Beach, have gone out to some pretty cool places, and defnintely eaten at really cool places (Toast being one of the list toppers at this point).  We drove to Costa Mesa the other day to go to this really expensive mall.  Any mall with Coutier (sp), Gucci, and Louis Vatton stores is out my range but it was fun to watch the rich people shop lol.  When I'm lookin to not be single anymore I think I'mma go there for pickups because it's always nice to live off of someone's wealth lol jk. 

    That was in no way a comprehensive update but it was a glance at what's been up lately.  Holla Back.